What Hurts the Most
by Momma Mustang
Summary: [Royai][PostMovie Oneshot Songfic] Dreams are unattainable goals, set out by children. WHat I have is a goal, a goal that I can and will reach. [CHRISTMAS FOR RIZA!]


All right, this idea has been bugging me for a while, and I'm no pro with song fics, seeing as, this is my first one, so do tell me if there's something that I should worry about, or fix, so I can do more.

This is for Riza! Unfortunately, the Chapter plots I have for you and Splenda, aren't coming out, they simply do not want to start, so, I decided to give you this as a sort of, IOU. However, if you wanted a few chapters on other fics updated, I'd be happy to work on those. I just can't seem to get the beginnings for the fics done. Sorry, Riza.

Anyway...I don't own the song, 'What Hurts the Most', it's by Rascal Flatts, and of course I don't own FMA. If I did, the series would have been much different. xD

_Pairings_: Royai

Do note that the scenes in this one are completely fictional. Yes, I know they did not happen. xD The mit one was something that happened with Rose, but I found it a bit amusing.

* * *

XXXXX 

I can take the rain on the roof of this empty house  
That don't bother me  
I can take a few tears now and then and just let them out  
I'm not afraid to cry every once in a while  
Even though going on with you gone still upsets me  
There are days every now and again  
I pretend I'm ok  
But that's not what gets me

XXXXX

The rain pattered lightly against the roof and windows, the fire in the fireplace of her father's old home burning brightly against the dark and furniture less room. It was cold outside, but even with the fire, the warmth clinging to the walls, the glow itself as hot as the sun, she was still cold. It was a cold that had lingered ever since that night, that dreadful night their lives had turned for the worst, the night…that it was the end of their entire goal, dream.

_'Dreams are not meant to be attained. That's why this /isn't/ a dream.'_ He would declare that over and over again. They believed him, and she followed him, even until the end, when it would mean their lives. The night kept running through her head, but still, there seemed like no way to get around the inevitable event of his demotion. Nothing could persuade him to change his mind about his plan and revenge, or their thoughts on the reason behind the attack.

Her hand rose, brushing away a single stray tear. She had no problem with crying, as long as she was alone. No one needed to see how much his absence had affected her. As long as she was functioning, there was no reason to fear for the people around her, and she could live her life, as if he was never there.

…That was a lie…it wasn't true in the least. How could she pretend as if he hadn't been there in her life? There had been a significant part there. He had been there since before her father's death, even though she hadn't really seen him during his visits to her father, he had played an important role later on, becoming the last Flame Alchemist to come into existence, or, rather, she had made him promise, and the circle etched into her flesh by the man who created the dreadful Flame to begin with had been marred beyond the point of recognition. Things seemed to be going well, after the war. He had decided what he wanted to do, and led the way.

Then…Hughes died, and he seemed crushed. His best friend in the world was gone, the one he had declared his unattainable dream to, the man who made it possible to get where he was. He didn't give up, he worked harder for his goal, and she stood in the place that the man wanted to leave open, almost as if his dearly departed friend would return to him and continue their journey. He didn't seem to realize it was over, then.

And finally…that night decided it all…

XXXXX

What hurts the most  
Was being so close  
And having so much to say  
And watching you walk away  
And never knowing  
What could have been  
And not seeing that loving you  
Is what I was tryin' to do

XXXXX

That night, she thought she would regret everything. Every threat she made, every time she scoffed inwardly at his limitless girlfriends, for every sarcastic quip he made at Ed's expense…for that smirk that could make her swoon inside…for not telling him how she felt and not begging him to stay because of the threat.

A homunculus. He was fighting some creature created by alchemy. There was so big of a chance that he wouldn't have made it back, and she allowed him to go, without those simple words that he could easily mutter to one of his many attractions. It would have been easy, but they never surfaced, and without that, it meant nothing.

She would continue to repeat what she desired to tell him, over and over again, to no avail. Nothing good came of the conversations in her head; the result was still the same. How could he, the most eligible bachelor of possibly the country, ever return such feelings for her? They were wasted on such a man, she would tell herself. No reason to put herself through continuous heart break, when there was no point he would ever have those feelings for her.

She poked the fire gently with the poker and a mit on her hand, a small grin appearing. It had been quite some time since she had the urge to smile, her mind lingering on the thoughts of how she could have rewritten it, making herself look like the one who did wrong, when it wasn't anyone's fault, the way things had come out. If only she did this…

Shaking her head, her eyes fell to the mit, the grin rather small and sad, but still served its purpose. Auburn eyes that had once been filled with tears that would glisten in the fire closed, their sight fixated on the memories of the little mit.

_'Umn…Hawkeye?'_

_'What is it, sir? I told you to stay in bed.'_

_'I put a roast in the oven, right?'_

_'…yes…'_

_'I think it's on fire.'_

_'What?'_

_'Which do I use to get it out, the hand towel or this mit thingy?'_

Riza couldn't help but snort aloud, covering her mouth as she saw Black Hayate, her faithful dog stir at her strange burst of laughter. He was so prone when it came to the kitchen and cooking. Some things were good, but if it required too many steps to follow…it was a disaster. That had been an event shortly after the incident, where she had found him, bleeding so much…unmoving…almost beyond reach…

XXXXX

It's hard to deal with the pain of losing you everywhere I go  
But I'm doin' It  
It's hard to force that smile when I see our old friends and I'm alone  
Still Harder  
Getting up, getting dressed, livin' with this regret  
But I know if I could do it over  
I would trade give away all the words that I saved in my heart  
That I left unspoken

XXXXX

She shifted her position on the box she was perched on, allowing the grin to fade so Hayate wouldn't worry anymore about his master's sanity at the moment, which, even she could not be sure was very stable. Then again, when you work around Roy Mustang for so many years, his near death experiences and stupidity, it was a surprise that Hughes had remained so close to him. However…if she really thought about it, it wasn't. They all followed him because of his beliefs, but it was also because he was a great guy, in or away from the office. He deserved every ounce of respect he got.

Ever since that night, she got up, got dressed, and went to work, pretending that nothing had happened, everything was okay, and did her job. No one questioned, and she kept things in the order that they needed to be in. Things ran as smoothly, if not moreso than the time she had spent with Roy in his. But, she did have to admit, that there was no way she would trade the ridiculous, crazy atmosphere of Roy's rule for the one that she had now. It was too quiet. No messes to clean up.

Riza Hawkeye was never a woman to doubt herself, never one to regret something. There was always one fear though, that she could not protect him. If that were to ever happen, her life would end up meaningless. That could never happen, she promised that to him, Hughes, and herself. As long as he was focused on his goal, she would stand behind him, stand strong, and remove any and all obstacles in his way, and that had worked for so long, her doubt had worn off to concern that he was going to be a reckless fool, get himself hurt. She couldn't protect him from himself. Which…was most likely the problem, rather than not.

Of course, Roy never saw a problem with his actions, and that might have been part of the reason for his downfall. He was blinded by rage by being used, by losing his friend for the military to cover up their lies and the trouble they had cause, all for the creation of one, simple stone. It didn't matter whether or not the Fuhrer could call himself human, the use for the military and Hughes' death were the fire for it. She could never compete with that, she would tell herself. A best friend's murder over her, a soldier whose job it was to protect him? No…she could never compare.

But he proved her wrong. He survived, when his intent was to die there, his ideal to be realized by another, to give his life for what he believed in, and, in turn, free the people of the country of a tyrannous leader. He was a noble man, he was a good man. Riza never did anything that she didn't want to do, and that night was something she both wanted and needed to do. If she hadn't been there…he would have died as that house burned, Archer would have taken more fury out on the wounded Flame, and there would have been nothing to do but mourn. More mourning, the cycle never stopped…

XXXXX

What hurts the most  
Is being so close  
And having so much to say  
And watching you walk away  
And never knowing  
What could have been  
And not seeing that loving you  
Is what I was trying to do

XXXXX

She reached back slowly, pulling her hair from the bun, noting her clothing, a rather lacy nightgown she would have probably never wore, but it was from him. When he had been staying with her, he watched her come home from work, after she had been cleared of her charges, and drop, a mixture of fatigue from a stressful day at work and the time that she had spent taking care of him. She didn't mind, of course, otherwise, she could have easily sent him home and had a nurse take over his care. He always was a strange one though…

_'Maybe I can motivate you to wear something /nice/ and /comfortable/ to bed if I gave it to you wounded.'_

She chuckled softly, brushing another tear from her cheek. What would he say if he could see her then? He would laugh, and tell her that she was being ridiculous, that he couldn't rely on an unstable woman to get through his life.

But the unstable one was him…

He left. Not a single word to anyone. He had gone off, more than likely at the order of these stupid people from the military who had taken his certification and rank, made him and officer.

_'Why didn't you tell me?!'_

_'…and what would you have said?'_

_'Stay! Forget the military.'_

_'And risk putting you in more danger. I vowed when the war ended, another would not die by my hand, directly or indirectly. Hughes was enough, wasn't he?'_

_'You're a stupid man.'_

_'You keep saying that, but it hasn't changed.'_

Yes, that was what he said, after two years of being out of her life; he came in, fingers snapping as if he hadn't ever been out of practice, barking out orders like he was still their Taisa. That simple memory was enough to reinforce her smile, playing with the clip in her hands. He cared, but expecting Roy Mustang to say something like that was out of the question.

_'If you say something too many times, it loses its meaning. I'll save it…and hold it close for the right time.'_

Such a strange man…but, how could she not love him?

XXXXX

What hurts the most  
Is being so close  
And having so much to say  
And watching you walk away  
And never knowing  
What could have been  
And not seeing that loving you  
Is what I was trying to do

XXXXX

"Mnmh…Riza?"

She lifted her head, a bit startled at the sudden call of her name, blonde locks that swept against he back falling over her shoulder as she looked towards the addressor. Hawkeye grinned softly, deciding it was no one to worry about, focusing back on the fire. "You should be sleeping. Did I wake you?"

"No…I just woke up and you weren't there…"

"A nightmare?"

"No…cold."

She laughed lightly, patting the spot on the box behind her, signaling her guest to join her. "I apologize. I just had some things on my mind, and I didn't want to wake you." Well, technically, that didn't even really help, but that was fine. "Are you sure you're all right, Roy?"

The dark haired male gave a small yawn, sitting behind her, looking rather disheveled, and, to her private opinion, adorable. He brought a fist to rub his right eye, the left one closed, never again to open and void of the bulky eye patch that covered the hideous scar. His left cheek, which she noticed dimly in the fire, was a bit red from sleeping on that side. He usually had the patch on, and it irritated him to sleep on the left, so both became accustomed to sleeping on those sides, Riza left, he right.

"Mmhmm…Come to bed, Canary. It's cold out here without the furniture or blankets."

Riza sighed, reaching back to run her hand through his hair, getting the few tangles out. They were moving into her father's old place, for a new start where it all began, and she saw no other place more fit. "All right, Taisa." While his name for her was a bit more creative, Riza saw nothing more fitting than 'Taisa'. He was and always would be her Colonel. It was for both respect and a fondness for the man that kept that title alive. "Hayate."

The dog looked up, sitting straight and staring at the woman, awaiting his next order. Roy reached down, petting the pup for his work, planting a kiss on Riza's ear before standing. "I won't wait all day, you know. I have job hunting to do tomorrow, and for a guy who can't do much but set things on fire, I don't think there's much of one out there for me."

Riza rubbed her ear, glaring after him. He knew how much she hated it. That was why he did it, and she would always get him back for it in the pure love of torture. He was easy to break there. At least, she found it to be. "Let's go to bed, shall we?" She suggested, following the path he had taken.

XXXXX

Not seeing that loving you  
That's what I was trying to do  
Ooohhh...

XXXXX

He didn't see it. She didn't see it. It tormented the two of them to the breaking point, but like all sad stories, the ending had to be happy. Regret, and going back to fix the mistakes of the past...could never had brought them together...


End file.
